Homesick

So I'll lose some sales

and my boss won't be happy,

but there's only one thing on my mind.

Searching boxes underneath the counter

on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for

someone who needs somewhere

to long for.

Homesick

cause I no longer know

where home is.

from "Homesick" by Kings of Convenience

Nowadays I often wonder what it is that makes a place a home. Is it the memories? The people? The books in the bookshelves? The pictures on the walls? The walls who have heard and seen so much? Or maybe the cheesy one - home is where the heart is?

My childhood home has recently been sold, my grandparents' house will soon be sold and pulled down, and I have moved away. Sometimes, when I think about it, I feel that I don't have a physical anchor in the world. Like a place which I can come back to and which doesn't change too much. But, I guess, that is too much to ask of life. I am a control freak. I don't particularly like change, to put it that way. I usually stick to activities, people and places. But life is always in motion, and change is natural. I'm not saying that the change itself is necessarily natural, but the fact that things change is thoroughly natural.

Geranium bohemicum
Literally grows from tragedy

Today, in the biology lecture, we learnt about succession in nature. The directional change of an area's environment, for example a forest growing back after a fire. Change happens in a certain direction until it reaches a final or equilibrium state. But even then, it fluctuates. So change is extremely normal everywhere. Even disturbances such as flooding or forest fire are normal. If the equivalent happened in our lives, we would say it was a disaster or a catastrophe or tragic, but some organisms rely on these disasters to survive. Maybe I and many others could learn from this. We could choose to focus on the good things that spring from the hard times and tragedies, like the beautiful geranium 'Orchid Blue', which has seeds that only flower after a forest fire (or high temperatures). It literally grows from disaster. So instead of being sad about the recent fire, we can marvel at the beauty that sprouts after tragedy has struck.

Change is inevitable and natural. And as someone once said - it's not about how you are, but about how you take it (it sounds better in Norwegian...I'm not that good at translating). And in a way, all our lives are built around change and changes. We grow up, we become older, we experience new things, we change in response to other people, and other people change in response to us. We live in a dynamic world, but still some of us (for example me) manage to get stuck in a fantasy that stability is the most natural thing and change is something strange and something to be feared. I think a good idea is to meet the change and be proactive when approaching it, instead of hiding in the shadows and wishing it would go away. And oh, how I wish I would follow my own advice.

Books read: 45

Pages read: 13110

Brio and creativity

Word of the week: Brio - enthusiastic vigour, or great energy and confidence. (Merrian-Webster online dictionary)

I think I need a little more brio in my life. Some zest in the things I do. I am really feeling the autumn coming with shorter, colder days, and after a busy weekend catching up with old friends and getting new ones, I feel I need something that will energize me. Enthusiasm in what I do is often essential to give me that extra push through the boring everyday tasks.

Lately I have had this feeling that I want to create something - be creative. But I have so much to do, and I know that ideas don't come unless I invite them in. So I just go around trying out different mediums to express myself creatively, and try to feed my addiction to creating. It is a bit weird to have these periods where I just want to create something all the time, although I have few ideas, just a nagging feeling.

Random bad drawing of a giraffe
with broken legs (I'm bad at drawing legs)
in front of a Kilmanjaro I wish had that much snow on it's peak.
The original random line became the giraffe's back and neck.

I feel like when I suppress my need to express myself creatively long enough, it just bubbles to the surface like this, giving me this distracting need to do something - anything - creative. As I said, I don't have many concrete ideas, but often, if I just start creating something random (like drawing a picture of a giraffe  eating from a tree in front of Mount Kilmanjaro - from one random line), it's like I unclog the pipes, and the creativity starts flowing again. Not very well at first - frequent blockages are usual - but creativity, like so many other things, improves with frequent usage and practice.

I would really like to keep my creative side honed and ready on demand, but so often I don't have the capacity and energy needed. It's yet another facet of my life that I have to fit in and balance correctly with all the other important things. But my comfort is that I doubt I can destroy my creative side. It will always be there, just sometimes buried deeper than other times. The tubing will there, it just needs some periodic maintenance or a thorough cleaning to work again.

Books read: 45
Pages read: 12971

PS: Since I write this blog partly (or maybe mainly) to keep my creative side awake, I will be posting some of the written things I create here. Mostly, poems go on this blog, while photos go on tumblr. My output for the latter isn't very big, so don't expect much original content over there on tumblr (but you can still find funny, pretty, nerdy, book-related, nerdfightastic, and wonderful things here.)

Shall we dance?

Since I got back to Trondheim this autumn I have taken up dancing again. I dance swing, a type called 'fastingswing' or 'folkeswing' in Norwegian. I think it's really fun, and also, it gives me a great workout. The thing that surprised me, though, when I started dancing, was how many boys there were. Last time there were approximately ten more boys than girls.

So the question that pops up in my head is: when did boys start to like dancing? I turns out it's generally a couple of years after they start university. Most of the boys I have talked to while dancing are in their second or third year at university or above that. In comparison, many of the girls are in their first year and have already discovered couples dance.

I, and many other girls, have a general problem when dancing a partnered dance. I love to have control. I want to lead and be sure of what I'll be doing next, but that is not how it works. Quite often guys smile and say that I'm bossy, or 'you tried to pull my arm down in the turn' or 'wrong way' and other things of that sort. At the same time, I have heard that it can be quite difficult for boys (at least in the beginning) to adapt to being the leader and deciding everything. As a girl, the best kind of guy to dance with is one who is strong and confident, so that she feels secure, while a guy, I suppose, would prefer a girl who was good at following him.

It is quite interesting how society has created a set of values where girls are taught to be independent and have control, while boys sometimes miss out on this lesson for some reason. But when it comes to being on the dance floor, I find that I really prefer following, and I have the most fun when the boy I dance with is a confident leader. Sometimes it is really nice to just leave that responsibility and desire for control in the changing room and just enjoy myself for a few hours.

So put on your dancing shoes, get out there and have fun! If you're a boy, practice your leadership and gain confidence, and if you're a girl just leave all the worries by the door and practice trusting your partner. And above all: enjoy yourself!

Books read: 45